she falls apart

a teddy bear gazing
at me as I’m sleeping
a blue rose wrapped
in white paper
pool
the beach with
waves crashing down
long pews
front rows
formal wear
at band concert
a single white rose
movie stubs
clad in black
precious journal entries
city hall steps
avril lavigne
fountain at ngee ann city
aljunied station
carnival
fighting fish
nyp
amk station
a snickers bar
fireworks that blast
like angel dust coming down
from the heavens
angel like me
white shirt
brandy bottle

brings back memories
backflashes of hurt
remembering betrayal
these painful reminders

life was once
a happy memory
my childhood I loved
nostalgia pangs my heart

time went on
life was good
friends I had
I was loved by all—
young and old
they all called me
‘a heart of gold’

that was then
now it all changed

life’s a roller coaster
I’ve had my best
when it has reached
it’s higher most peak
everything crashed
down all at once

I couldn’t take it
not one bit

growing up sucks
the world has robbed
my precious gift
that I once possessed
my innocence

it’s a tough life
I cannot be
naive at all
everyone’s watching
awaiting my fall

as I looked
back to my past
it’s hard to believe
I once had
a gold heart

innocent and pure
I’m no longer
broken and
lonely
lost
and forgotten

I wish there was a word
to describe the pain
and all the hurt
again and again

that agony that can’t be described
that sorrow so deep
with no one by my side
as loneliness creeps

stalking in the shadows
lurking in the dark
the me that no one knows
the me that’s in my heart

I wish that word would come to me
just right beside
so everyone can see the real me
then I’ll have nothing left to hide

Rejected (v) to refuse to accept/submit to/believe/make use of

Two spot lights
Pierce through the night
I can’t go in—
I’m much too young

Here I am
At the riverside
Alone
With no one by me

I turn and see
Water spew
Out of merlion’s mouth
Everyone’s happy
Everyone’s merry
All but me

The breeze blows by
Adding sorrows
When will it go
And leave me alone

Hurt and sadness
Pain and sorrow
All buried within me
No one knows
How much I hurt
Suffering in agony
No one to tell
To share my misery
Broken down
Stabbed in the heart
Fallen down
Torn apart

Hope (v) to look forward to with confidence or expectation (n) a wish or desire accompanied by confident expectation of its fulfillment

I’ve lost Hope
she is Gone
I thought Hope
was always Strong

she’ll keep me running
right till the end
she’s the One and Only
she’s my best friend

no thanks to that jerk
who tore us apart
now I miss Her
from my aching heart

Hope please listen
and try to understand
I’m lost without You
please come take my hand

I’ve lost Hope
but I believe
I’ll see her again
as long as I live

Countless poems here I write
As the wind blows through the night
Suffering from pain each day
Bit by bit I slip away

I thought you care, I thought you knew
How can you just leave me too
I’ve walked one mile, I’ll walk two more
If I’d only knew before

Screaming with hurt, crying with pain
Back to square one once again
I called you once, I called you twice
Shuddered at those cold, hard eyes

Tell me the truth, name your price
How can you turn your heart to ice?
I gave so much, you took it all
Now you look and watch me fall

Into the abyss—endless, it seems
Deep in my heart I know within
One day I believe you’ll see
It was always meant to be

* This poem was written for Bient K. who touched my life and tore it apart. It’s similar to the song ‘Hurt Again‘ but this time it was a reality check. Was supposed to listen to Ps Khong preach *sheepish* but the past night’s events keep hitting me at full impact. Couldn’t get it off my mind. Finally, out of frustration, anger, hurt, confusion, depression and nothingness, I whip out my pen and started writing on the bulletin (that was the only paper available ;p) the words just flowed out smoothly. I felt that this was lovely. It just poured out like a burst dam.

My best piece yet.

It’s okay it don’t matter anymore
Just go away, walk right out the door
I regretted as you walk me by
And I found out that it all was a lie

It hurts too much to say it’s okay
As I live on day after day
It took me by total surprise
As I saw you with my own eyes

How could you lead me on and make me believe
That the truth was just a simple myth
You know I don’t trust all those fairy tales
Cos romance is something I always fail

You’ve hurt me too much it took my life
It felt like my heart was cut with a knife
You came, you stayed, you took away
As I watch with pain and stumble and sway

I can’t believe it’s real, it can’t be true
What about the things I felt with us two?
You can’t just turn your back and leave me behind
Is that to prove that I was totally blind

You’ve put to heart a lie that someone has told
Now the doors of trust between us has closed
I hope you’ll take the chance and break these four walls
Before I’m insane and lose it them all

* Wrote this on the way home with the wind on my face and tears in my eyes after a long, horrible Saturday. Kept going through the first two lines when I realised it sounded similar to ‘Follow Me’ by Uncle Kracker (is it?) This is a song written with full emotion contributed with much hurt and pain. And disappointment.

Losing hope.
Losing faith.
Losing courage… to fall again.